S'more That Guy

First off he drops by and is chatting Phil up, here is the conversation he had with me.

That Guy: You're a *Depend-a-saurus.

Elena: There is no way I am a *Depend-a-pottamus, I go to the gym and I home-cook all of our meals.

That Guy: I didn't say Depend-a-pottamus,  you're a Depend-a-saurus Rex.

Elena: I think you mean Awesome-a-saurus.

That Guy: Well, later bro I gotta go get cleaned up.

I'm pretty sure he only hates my guts because I am a female that has no desire to sleep with him...or it could be conversations like the one below.

He came over because he wanted some womanly advice from his woman who is a recent divorcee, not that there is anything wrong with previously married people but it's probably a good idea to not expect an outstanding amount of commitment from someone so recently severed.

That Guy: It's * Allison, I just can't do anything right she keeps saying crap like "Ugh You're just like my ex-husband." and I'm trying...but she won't talk to me about it and I can't fix it.

Elena: Well she can't keep blaming you for things that you didn't do, you aren't her ex husband.

That Guy: But she can, she put up with so much abuse...

Elena:  If he was so abusive, I'm pretty sure any likeness to her ex-husband would probably make her leave, and women who are abused physically or other wise don't usually get into relationships right after their divorced.

That Guy:  Hey, is your husband going to mind that I'm over here and we're alone?

Elena: I already texted him that you are here, so I'm pretty sure he's okay with it.

That Guy:  It's just I'm trying and I do everything she wants...but she's leaving in May and I know she doesn't want to get married so...

Elena:  I think you know the answer to that question, and I'm pretty sure you are well aware that she isn't really emotionally invested in your relationship.

That Guy:  So do you go tanning?

Elena:  No, I got a really severe burn last year, and I finally getting my skin back to normal with coconut oil.

That Guy: Coconut oil, did you know they use coconut oil for blood transfusions?

Elena: Hmm, I thought it was coconut water as emergency IV fluid.

That Guy:  Well coconut oil is water soluble, which means it can be absorbed through the blood stream.

Elena: Weird, I thought water soluble meant dissolve-able or mixable with water.

That Guy: Well, I'm gonna go to the gym.

A little fact about me first...I love, I mean LOVE correcting people's "fact's"...Like I read blogs and articles online I will check their references, the only thing I really read/watch and take it as fact is National Geographic.  So most of my conversations with That Guy are blissful, the snarky jerk inside of me does a little happy dance.  I read three newspapers, a left one, a right one and one that I enjoy the most because it seems to stick to pure reporting instead of appealing to either side.

He mentioned going on a paleo diet, and then asked to borrow butter for his rice.

Paleo is no grains, no dairy...so he seems to be doing really well with his new eating plan.

He stopped by again to complain that his girlfriend isn't having sex with him and how he's SOOOO horny and he just wants to have some sex...Awkward.  I only talk about my sex life with my best friend, and it's super not in front of anyone.  I mean it's bad enough when we hear it...I don't want to talk about it either.

Today he dropped by to ask Phil to the gym, and our rest days are Sunday and Monday, to which he responded that Phil is a faggot and needs to work out.  Classy.

He then goes on to say how he has sex like a bedbug...where his penis will just go for anything (gross)  I said if were going to be an animal I would be a barnacle because they have the longest penis to body ratio.

That Guy: Did you know when a wave comes up they use their penis to hold down the other barnacles, 'cause they only have one appendage?

See, what That Guy doesn't know about me is that I really do read National Geographic...and my favorite channel growing up was PBS, with my favorite show being "Nature"

Barnacles do have a long penis, and two "arms" which they use to feed, they also have an eye and cement glands that serve to anchor them to their surface.

After our barnacle conversation he mentioned his Paleo diet again and then proceeded to lift up his shirt and put his abs on display for my husband, I tend to leave the room during his random acts of partial nudity...it's not because I'm offended, but he is obviously peacocking to seek approval, which I refuse to give him.

Sorry it was soooooooo long but I hope it was worth the read and you found some humor in it.

* Depend-a-saurus: Is a dependent who calls all of the shots in the marriage, it can be likened to a "Wife wearing the pants"
* Depend-a-pottamus: Is a dependent who doesn't do anything.
*Allison is not her name.